Thirty Things Overheard While Attending My Friend’s Wedding
by William Musgrove

1. One half of a couple staring at a woman in a pink dress resting her head on a picnic table: Shh, she’s the one from the hotel.
2. The other half pointing at the man sitting next to the woman in the pink dress: Maybe he kidnapped her, and she has Stockholm syndrome.
3. The owner of the venue, a short woman with curly brown hair and soft features, as she confiscates a couple of flasks from two rebellious groomsmen filling them with rye whiskey: No outside alcohol.
4. A bald, elderly man witnessing the confiscation and who believed shorts and a t-shirt were adequate formal wear: Is this thing an open bar?
5. A twenty-something man wearing dark slacks and a white button-down rushing to the bathroom: My bladder gets all romantic at weddings.
6. A pony-tailed man sipping a Bud Light as he tells a story to a blond in a blue blazer: We were just children. We did what they told us.
7. An overweight man with a half-Windsor choking his Adam’s apple: I will make sure this happens.
8. A frantic woman, her floral dress flapping, possibly an aunt of some kind, darting around on gray bricks: Where are the servers?
9. The man donning a plaid shirt and a G.I. Joe hair cut sitting behind me at the ceremony: I really like my neighbor’s grass, like really like it. It keeps creeping into my lawn, and I just want to mow it. I could mow it all day.
10. The same guy from number seven to a woman named Kristen as he runs his fingers just under the waistline of his tight pants: As soon as this is done, Kristen, I’m going to the truck and changing into your shorts.
11. Someone within the sea of white fold-out chairs as the bride’s father walks her down the aisle: Is her mother here. Her parents hate each other, don’t they?
12. From a man scratching his back on a wooden pillar during cocktail hour: My ex-wife used to say to me all the time, ‘you’re a prick, you know that?’
13. A man with an open vest to another man who resembles Goliath as I order another drink: You know, you remind me of my favorite firefighter. 
14. A couple lamenting to another couple about shrinking wedding rings and fattening fingers: You should always grow into your wedding band. 
15. The maid of honor—green dress—reciting, one too many, the story of how the bride and groom met: Years later, come to find out, she never got pulled over. She was just too nervous.
16. My partner after the maid of honor’s speech: So, the maid of honor dated a groomsman who’s here with someone else? 
17. Me to my partner after finishing my drink from number thirteen: The bartender hates me. Please come so we can tip.
18. A child swinging a flashing glowstick on the dance floor: When I’m quiet, that’s when the demons come out. 
19. A man talking to someone in the bathroom as I walk past, now too scared to enter, dooming myself to holding it a bit longer: Do you want me to go in there when you do it?
20. A man wearing a short-sleeved brown shirt gesturing at the ground and jumping: There’s a little, tiny frog right there. Right there. Right there. Right there, dammit. Don’t squish him. 
21. A middle-aged man speaking to his clearly drunk, underage children: I want you guys to get home safe, so be responsible and don’t eat so much ice cream.
22. A woman with fine blond hair shaking her hands in front of her face: Your mom makes a lemon dessert that makes me want to just poke my eyes out.
23. Me on the dance floor after finishing my drink from number seventeen: I invented a new dance. It’s called the shrinking robot.
24. Inebriated man A talking to Inebriated man B: Yeah, uh, so, yeah, she got too drunk, and, so, now I have to stop drinking and drive us home.
25. Inebriated man A while tenderly gripping Inebriated man B’s shoulder: Don’t worry, I’ve got an idea of how far I have to go.
26. A relative of the bride or groom that I’ll never see again: What’s an ambulance here for?
27. Another relative of the bride or groom that I’ll never see again: The bride’s grandma fell.
28. The final relative of the bride or groom that I’ll never see again: Where are they at?
29. and 30. The bride and groom hiding behind the bus shuttling everyone back to the hotel:
    I love you.
    I love you, too. 

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WILL MUSGROVE is a writer and journalist from Northwest Iowa. He received an MFA from Minnesota State University, Mankato. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in trampset, Cleaver Magazine, The Lumiere Review, Oyez Review, Tampa Review, Vestal Review, and elsewhere.