This is holy: April, its wavering warmth. That the body
makes a body. That the bereavement peace lily
from 1-800-Flowers out-arches its container,
won’t wither no matter how little I water. The umbrella
plant in its macrame swing scratching the living room’s
east wall, snowball bloom of the cherry tree beyond
the window. Do you know that every almost-child
remains, even after, domiciled in microchimeric cells
within the mother? The mother is a multiple
even as she halves. Here is what happened. I lost
a baby. It was the length of a thumb to the first
knuckle. Hardly worth mentioning. Its unmoving body
and not-fluttering heart lay in the living room
of my low abdomen for nineteen days after
its end. A corpus, a corpse, a nothing. Little goldfish,
little me. I waited for the hurt that would signal birth.
I went to work, I lifted my leggy toddler, I peered
at the world through the punchhole paper
of my grief. At last, the bright sun and sharp spear
of pain. It was a Thursday. Narrow white tile bathroom.
The bend and the push. The quiet house, the dog
beside me. Cold porcelain of the toilet bowl bottom
when I pulled what could not live into the cradle
of my palm. My hands in the dirt beneath the lilac.
The April dirt, the just-warm earth, the squint of spring.
Kneeling. Dirt caked to my shins. How thin,
how petal-thin our chances. How beautiful that we are.
ANGELA JANDA‘s poetry has appeared in journals including Rattle, San Pedro River Review, and Whitefish Review. She is the author of the chapbook Small Rooms with Gods (Finishing Line Press, 2014). She lives in Albuquerque, NM. Find her on social media: @arjanda.
KELSEY NICHOLS is an artist/designer living in a small suburb outside Chicago. She earned her diploma in Interior Design in 2019 and has been working in digital and print mediums for over two years. With multiple gallery showings and a variety of international publications, she’s currently an artist member for Women Made Gallery in Chicago. She creates abstract paintings and skateboard art, blending Impressionist sensibilities using digital oil painting techniques to create pieces inspired by nature
