so i hold a funeral for myself / girl i used to be / cliche sort of thing / there have been so many funerals / i have never been to the ones that matter / what i’m saying is my grandfather died when the first snow fell and i couldn’t go to the funeral / what i’m saying is the funeral was halfway across the world and we didn’t have the money / what i’m saying is attending a funeral is a privilege / what i’m saying is i’m glad i could see myself through all of my past selves because that means i am not dead yet / what i’m saying is thank god I am not dead yet / what i’m saying is i have thought about dying / i have thought about back doors / i have thought about walking into bodies of water and never coming back out / i have thought about overflowing bathtubs and handfuls of pills / never about ropes, though / never about blood / i have to go neatly because i won’t be around to clean up my mess / see, even in a self-imposed death i am still a mess i have to clean up / i have thought about selling out my funeral / i have thought about cremation because by god i don’t want to rot at the bottom of some pit / what i’m saying is i have thought about my grandfather rotting at the bottom of a pit and my grandmother that visits his grave every week and my grandmother that lives alone now and a funeral i never attended / what i’m saying is nothing is fair – not in life and certainly not in death / what i’m saying is thank god i did not make myself into a mess someone else would have to clean up / what i’m saying is i lived to see another first snow of another season and it is cold but i am grateful to feel something pierce my skin that will not bring me to my maker / what i am saying is / grandpa, / regardless of what the other side is / i hope they let you attend your funeral / the only thing i know for certain is / what it means to say goodbye / to your past selves.
YOANA TOSHEVA is a third year student at Loyola University Chicago, pursuing a degree in Art History and English. She runs a blog about music which you can read at collectivecadence.home.blog. Her creative work has also been published in Diminuendo, The Beatnik Cowboy, Anser Journal, among other publications. Her visual art can be found on Instagram @yoana_art.