In her present life, she had about five friends.
Since she frequented nowhere, she wouldn’t necessarily have met them. They were all from past lives, and she wasn’t sure why they’d remained. Like limescale build-up in the bend of a pipe, thickening with time and the water flow. Impossible to ignore after a while.
One of them, she knew from her student days. They’d never been that close though, at least not how she saw it. To her, “closeness” was when someone knew her whole story; comprehending her words, a solid rock of understanding between them. But when she actually saw this friend, all they’d share was one-sided memories from their time as students. That was precisely the thing: this was someone she knew, and nothing more.
One was a colleague from an old job – a family business where she’d worked for more than three years. The owners (a married couple) had been very demanding, and many unbelievable things had happened there. For instance, just before the New Year, this colleague had been forced to abandon her train south to create a slideshow for the family’s celebrations. They’d also have to call the bosses’ son to wake him up for breakfast – things like that. Back then, the two would chat about all sorts, bonded by their shared disdain for that family. But now what? she’d ask herself. Whenever they ate together, that time (about four years ago now) would be brought up. While faintly ridiculous, it kept their friendship hanging together. Every month or two, they’d meet for a meal. Show a bit of interest in what was new with each other. Now and then, one would mention a problem at their current job, and they’d both be dragged into the vortex of memories. Remember when the lady boss made me help sort out her mum’s traditional medicine during work? The shared memory would drift between them like a float in a pool, letting them tread water. That’s how it was now.
Another was a fellow French learner. Over two years ago, she’d started attending a French class in her neighbourhood. Not for any real reason. She had no short-term plans to visit France, and no concrete goals to speak of. It had just seemed like a normal thing to do, so she’d done it. Perhaps her vague goal was to complete all twelve levels. She was currently on Level 4, so there was still a way to go. Out of class, the pair didn’t have much to do with each other. It was only in that room, when they’d split up into groups to practice, that they’d become a team. What do you usually do at the weekend, Chieh Hung? At the weekend, I usually go to the cinema with my friends, Daphne. These were the types of examples they exchanged. Grammar practice. This way, Chieh Hung could appear to her classmate as someone who had a full life, like the kind portrayed in their textbooks.
Maybe due to their limited French ability, or their relatively simple lifestyles, the two would exchange whatever snacks they had on them (things like breads and fruits they’d pick up on the way after work) in the short period after class, still sticking to class rules by chatting in French. Chieh Hung had lots of friends. Chieh Hung usually ate with her mum and dad on Thursdays. She went window shopping, watched films and played basketball with her friends at the weekend. Chieh Hung would say all of this in French. In the straightforward simple present tense, they’d share many facts about themselves. My favourite colour is grey. I don’t have much money. Sometimes I feel lonely at the weekends. On this premise, Chieh Hung considered her a friend.
Then there was another, about 10 years older than her. Sort of like an older sister. They’d met through a weekend volunteering course – one on counselling people who’d call late at night saying they didn’t want to live any more. Perhaps because previously (a long time ago) she’d also harboured thoughts like this whilst at school, she’d wanted to help those who needed it after becoming a capable adult in the future. That’s what she’d written in her yearbook. In truth, after reading this thoughtless sentence and the naivety it revealed, her future self had been slightly angry for a time. After becoming a capable adult in the future, I want to help those who need it. So many words that needed defining. But she’d forgiven that version of herself, signed up for a training course, and been lucky enough to get assigned to this older sister, a person in full possession of the qualities, tenderness, tolerance, and tempered enthusiasm required for the role. With a well-rounded life, this older sister didn’t get too invested in others, maintaining her own stability. Because of this, she’d end up telling this sister a lot about herself: her family when she was young, her relationship with her parents… The older sister wouldn’t interrupt or comment, simply letting the words hang between them. The silence comforted her. She liked this older sister.
The last one, she didn’t know if she could really count. Her ex-boyfriend. Previously, they’d gone out for five years, fallen in love, hit a rocky patch, gotten over it, broken up, and reconciled before a third party had become involved. They’d then separated for good, her counterpart going on to get married. But they truly had seen every side of each other, and nobody knew one better than the other. So, although she never saw him again, he’d occasionally send her brief updates on his wife’s grievances (She’s so annoying!) or his views on current events (Have you gone to get fuel lately? It’s ridiculous) over text. She couldn’t say she was used to it. All in all, she considered him a friend: a mystical being with its own thoughts and morphology that lived in her phone. She conducted herself according to this mindset.
These were the five people she called “friends”. Others, while friendly, had blurred faces. She felt like a hotel receptionist, knowing cash over connection. Performing the necessary rituals as they spoke, with no desire to follow them out. Honestly, she’d always felt like friendship was a myth. A mirage. A seemingly beautiful phenomenon she wasn’t sure existed. Whenever a silence fell between her and a friend, she’d doubt it. Maybe one day, there’d be no more meet-ups with her old colleague or classmate. French classes would come to an end, she’d graduate from the training course, or her ex-boyfriend’s wife would finally find out. Then, she’d be isolated. She would stay calm as she thought about it. Still, she’d sigh. Friends, people from the past and future, surrounded her. Perhaps there was always clashing, friction, and mutual exclusion between friends. Perhaps friends were like lamps, bringing light to her own ravine- and desert-like corner. Perhaps friends were like islands; however close, always cut off by a sea of traits she didn’t share. When talking to friends, she’d hear her own voice. That was her life’s first uncertainty. She could remember her earliest memory. Aged about four and (for reasons unknown) carrying a bowl, she’d climbed a long flight of stairs. She recalled the dual fear of breaking that bowl and falling. She’d walked down a long corridor, at the end of which had been a sliding door. After becoming self-conscious, she’d decided to knock, setting forth with purpose. Is there anyone there? Maybe there had been, maybe there hadn’t.
孤寂
一共有五個左右的朋友,在她目前的生活中。
都不是必要碰到的人,因為她沒有一定要去的地方和場合,都是在以往的人生裡碰到,不知道為什麼就留了下來的人,像水管在轉彎的地方會留下水垢,經過時間沖刷後累積變厚。漸漸無法忽視。
一個人是學生時候就認識,但一直不熟,以她的認知來說。所謂的熟,以她的定義來說,應該要能了解她的來龍去脈,了解她在說的事情,對彼此有沉積岩般累積的知識。然而這個朋友實際上相處起來,除了單方面記得一些學生時代的事,似乎就是那樣,剛好是一個認識的人,僅此而已。
一個人是前前一份工作認識的前同事,她在那個家族企業待了三年多,老闆和老闆娘極其苛刻,有許多不可思議的事情發生,例如過年前要同事放棄南下的火車整理他們家過年要放的家族幻燈片,早餐要打電話叫醒老闆的兒子之類,她那時和這位同事有聊不完的話題,對那家人的共同厭棄連結了她們,後來呢。她想過這個問題,時至今日,每每吃飯再聊起當年(約四年前)的這個事情顯得有點可笑了,但她們的友誼還是淺淺地維繫著。以一、兩個月一次的頻率見面吃飯,稍稍關心彼此的變化,不時談到現在的工作遇到的問題時,又掉入回憶的漩渦。你記得那時候老闆娘叫我在上班時間去幫她媽媽排中醫的事嗎? 那塊共同回憶飄在她們之間,像個浮板,供她們踩過來踩過去。目前是這樣子。
再來是個法語課認識的同學。她在家附近上法語課,已經兩年多了。沒有什麼特別的原因。她沒有要去法國的短期計畫,也沒有任何明確的目標,就是很自然的像生活裡的一件事,那樣上著。 她也許隱隱的目標是把十二級都上完,目前是四級。所以眼前還有不短的一段時間。這個同學和她在課外並沒有特別的往來,只是上課分組練習時他們是一組的。傑宏,你在週末通常做點什麼呢? 達芬妮,我在週末通常與朋友去看電影。他們在課堂上會交換這樣的例句。用法語。因此傑宏在她心目中是個擁有法文課本裡那樣完整生活的人。
她不確定是因為他們有限的法語能力,還是彼此的生活本來就單純,中間短短的下課時間,他們會交換隨身的零食,下班在路上隨手買的麵包水果之類,依照教室的規定依舊用法語交談。傑宏有許多朋友。傑宏在星期四通常會和爸媽吃飯,週末會和朋友們逛街,看電影和打球。傑宏用法文說。他們用平鋪直敘的現在肯定句告訴對方許多關於自己的事實。我最喜歡的顏色是灰色。我並沒有許多錢。我在週末時偶爾會感到寂寞。因為這樣,傑宏算得上一個朋友。
然後是一個比她大十歲左右的,算是姊姊吧。因為她在週末接受義工的課程,去輔導半夜打電話過來說不想活了的人。應該是因為之前(很久以前)在學校她就隱隱有這樣的想法,在以後成為一個有能力的大人後,要去幫助需要幫助的人。這樣的句子寫在她的畢業紀念冊裡。老實說她後來自己看到,一度為這樣沒頭沒腦的句子和其中無知的天真感到微微惱火。我以後成為有能力的大人後,要去幫助需要幫助的人。如此多需要去定義的詞語。然而她寬恕了那樣的自己,去報名了受訓課程,很幸運地被分派到這個姊姊。完全具有這個工作所需要的所有特質,溫柔,寬厚,熱心而不過度,擁有自己完整的生活而不過分涉入,沉著。因此她不自覺地會告訴她許多關於自己的事,年幼時的家庭,和父母的關係。那姊姊既不打岔也不評論,讓話在她們之間擺盪著。那沉默撫慰了她。她很喜歡這個姊姊。
最後這個,不知道能不能算得上。她曾經的男朋友。他們曾經交往了五年,熱戀,低潮,穩定,分手,復合,第三者,終究分手,對方結婚。然而事實是,他們看過彼此的各種形貌,沒有誰比他們更了解彼此。因此儘管再也不見面,對方時不時用簡短的字句捎來消息,對老婆的抱怨(她真的很煩!),對時事的看法(最近有去加油嗎?太誇張了吧)。她不能說習慣,總之她把他視為一個,類似住在她手機裡的精靈,有它自己的形態和思想。她用這樣想法去引導自己。
這些就是她在生活裡,定義為朋友的五個人。此外的人,就是些友善而面目模糊之人,她感覺自己就像旅館的櫃檯,認卡不認人,在來往中行禮如儀,人出了那個範圍,她也沒有感覺追上去的必要性。她老實講,一直覺得,朋友是個迷思,是個海市蜃樓一樣,看起來很美,實際上不知道存不存在的現象。每當她與朋友落入各自的沉默,她就會懷疑起來。有一天,也許前同事同學不再約下次,法語課結束,從受訓班畢業,或前男友的老婆終於發現之後,她將落入了一個孤絕的境地。她鎮定地想著。然而又鬆了一口氣。朋友,來自過去和未來的人,將她團團圍住。朋友之間,也許從來就是不止息的互斥摩擦碰撞,也許朋友像燈,照亮了她那像峽谷像沙漠的一個角落。也許朋友像島,不管離得再近,終究之間隔著與自己性質不同的海。她在與朋友對話時聽到自己的聲音,那是生命的最初那種不確定,她記得自己最早的記憶,或許是四歲,她不知道為什麼拿著一個碗,正爬上長長的階梯,她記得那種怕碗弄碎,和怕跌下樓梯的雙重恐懼,她走向那長廊的盡頭,是一扇門。她打算去敲敲門,她意識到自己,一心走向那門。有人在嗎。也許有人在裡面,也許沒有。●
蕭熠JACKIE HSIAO, born in Taipei in the 1980s, graduated from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago and earned a master’s degree from Pratt Institute. She has studied in Chicago, New York, and Hong Kong. Jackie won the first prize for fiction at the Taiwan Literature and Art Camp, and her work has been shortlisted for the Lin Rong-san Literary Award and the Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company Literary Award. Her stories also appeared in 九歌107年小說選 (9 Songs and 107 Years Short Story Collection) and have featured in various newspaper supplements, as well as publications such as INK Literary Monthly. Currently residing in Taipei, Jackie continues to lead her life as a writer. She is also the author of 名為世界的地方 (The So-Called World).
LAUREN HARPER is an Aberdeenshire-born translator and editor. After graduating with an MSc in Translation Studies from the University of Edinburgh in 2020, she spent two and a half years as a freelance translator (Chinese/French to English) before moving to London for an in-house role. Her English translation of Chang Yu-Ko’s short story 七月流火 (The Fire Star Passes the Meridian) was published by Samovar in 2022.